I got the call that my father is now under hospice care. They are visiting him at home. Having been through my Mom’s death I am familiar with Hospice. I always say if I were well endowed with money Hospice would be at the top of my list to donate to. I can’t say enough nice things about Hospice. The people that do this kind of work are the best of the best. Not only for the patient but for the families of those who are dying. They educate, comfort and everything in between.
My sister has been helping to care for my Dad along with his wife. I live a couple of hours away and see them frequently. I cared for my Mom for many years until she passed away. My father has made the choice to refuse any more tube feedings. He has had a feeding tube for the past 10 years of his life! His C.O.P.D has become unbearable and leaves him unable to breathe and in panic mode. His discomfort has been ongoing for a long time now. I understand and respect his right to choose to be done. I get it… He is also 89 years old and has more than fulfilled his mission here. I wouldn’t ask him to stay a minute longer than he wants to and in discomfort.
I just have so much running through my mind. Even though we have no loose ends. No unfinished business…he knows how much I love him. He loves me too.
My only regret is that he didn’t get to see me do something great with my life. He did so much great with his life that I feel I let him down. I have had nothing noteworthy lol, to boast. I have raised my family and taken care of people. That’s what I have done. My own personal accomplishments are rather small and only special to me. I regret that my father didn’t get to see me do more with the life he gave me. I feel that I let us both down somehow. I was so hoping that I could really make him proud. Selfish thoughts really, I realize this.
My father developed a polystyrene insulation process that you know as Owen’s Corning Pink. Foamular,(the pink panther stuff)…
A revolutionary extremely important product widely used in homes, commercial buildings and even under roads. I always smile when I drive by construction sites that are using this product.
My growing years were filled with my Mom and Dad building a pilot plant trying to prove and get funding for this invention. My Mom sliding on her butt down a muddy hill to pick up the extruded bead board. My sister and I running density tests on that material. Me running up and down the hill to transfer information between the two. Mom fashioning a special belt clip out of a hairpin from her hair. All of the long arduous hours on a hill in Fairview, PA.
My father fought in two wars. the Korean War and World War II. He was a master sergeant in the Army. He was shot in the leg and has a purple heart. He came back from the war and went to college. Obtaining a Master’s Degree in organic chemistry from Cornell University. Went to work for Aerojet General as a rocket scientist! He was brilliant, a genuis. In his later years he was writing a book about the Universe. Dementia robbed him of the ability to complete this great work. I am sure it would have been!
Now all thats left to do for him is to go. Unfortunately he was so science minded that he had no faith. He is an atheist. He thinks that when you die thats it, their is nothing more. The light goes out and you are done. I firmly believe that is why he is still living…he fears death. He fears ceasing to exist. With no idea of more or heaven, you can see why. This makes me so sad but also is understandable given his scientific mind! I can imagine what is running through his mind…unfortunately the degree of his dementia is so great that having a conversation about this is not really possible. So sad really!
So all thats left is for me to look to the sky and ask the heavens to help him to have a comfortable and swift journey to…?!
(It runs in the family)