This was my view from a blanket spread out on the lawn. It was a gorgeous perfect temp day here in Phoenix yesterday.
My weekend was one of the most miserable in a long time. I find that I am having a really hard time justifying to myself why I stay in this state of being. Why do I allow myself to be so utterly disrespected? If I had had somewhere else to be, I really would have gladly gone. I hate like hell that I simply set myself up to have to endure this. Economic impoverishment keeps me stuck like glue. My spirit is wondering how I can proceed in tolerating my circumstance. Through the years I have had coping skills and mind speak to overcome the adversity and mitigate the damage to my core being. This weekend, I came up empty. I hate the whole power over thing…bullies suck! Whether physical or mental, struggling to keep a bully from permeating your spirit is a feat in itself. Exhausting!
It always boils down to money and the fact that I chose to take care of people rather than look out for my own financial well being! I wish somewhere along the way,I had made a career for myself. Mad scrambling to figure something out at 53 is daughnting! I’m so grateful that my daughters are wiser and able to make education and careers a priority. They have seen me set myself up in a hell of my own design, so to speak. Like being stuck in molasses…They will be self reliant and not make this mistake. Unfortunately, a bully with all the power will try to overtake you until nothing of you is left. If you let them! The struggle is real. What would it be like to have some of my own power back? To be able to stand up financially and know I’m capable?! Priceless! Lofty 2016 goal. You see, it isn’t just me, I have a 14 year old daughter who is wonderful and deserving of all that this childhood has afforded her. By no means lavish but nice and stable because I made it so! In spite of my personal hell.
She had a sleepover with these wonderful girls. I like all of these kids, they are terrific! What a nice bunch of girls!
I spent a lot of my weekend thinking and trying to figure out myself since I have no control over anyone else! 
I really understand where I stand and I’m not liking it!
Glad to see this holiday go. Reminds me of what my “reality” is. Far far from the relationship I hoped for.
Maybe it’s time to rip off the band aid. Take off the rose colored glasses Tyna Joy! If I could figure out how to make enough money I could begin to think about change!
tynajoymetzner 