Omg This Is My Life

Yes every word I am living!

They use a form of psychological intimidation, called Gas Lighting, where they present false information to their victims, which makes them doubt their own memory, perception and even sanity. They will often say something, then sometimes even in the same conversation state that they didn’t say that to perpetuate the confusion.
A Narcissist will take no responsibility for anything. He will criticize your appearance, abilities and your very existence. Everything has become your fault and you cannot ever please them despite your best efforts. The closer you try to get to them the further they pull away. Then once you start to pull away, they will turn up the heat and start their pursuit once again. This constant beat down erodes their victim’s self-esteem leaving them feeling completely confused, off balance and drained of all their emotional resources.
Everything is all about them, always and this consistent pandering to their every need and want, often pushes their targets into Co-dependent-like behaviour. Victims get so wrapped up in the relationship and trying to fix it, that they lose themselves in the process. They have stopped thinking about their needs, their goals and their own happiness. All of their energy is spent on trying to win back the one they fell in love with. What most fail to realize is that that person never existed. The Narcissist pulls the old bait and switch. The person you met in the beginning was an actor and the one they are with now, is the true individual behind the mask.
Many get caught up in seeking the emotional validation of –am I good enough – from someone who will never give it to them. This validation seeking can go on for a long, long time. There is nothing more soul destroying and degrading than jumping through hoop after hoop trying to prove your worth, to someone who will never see or acknowledge it.
Narcissists are akin to a psychological parasite. Once they get inside your head it’s almost impossible to get them out. They spend the early part of a relationship learning all about you, what makes you tick and what buttons to push, to best manipulate you later on. They pay keen attention to your vulnerabilities, your fears and what causes you the most hurt, as a means of control, for a Narcissist must always be in control. They will go to great lengths to isolate you from friends, family and other sources of support.
Once a relationship with a Narcissist ends, most victims are left with the enormous task of weaving through all the lies and the abuse and building themselves back up. Their sense of self-esteem and self-worth will have been virtually annihilated. They have to rediscover who they are.
Being free of such a monster should be considered a blessing, but what often happens, after prolonged exposure to this type of abuse, is that many will actually pine and grieve for the return of their tormentor. They have come to believe that love equals pain and that they are deserving of this type of treatment. They’ve placed the Narcissist so high up on a pedestal, that even crumbs of their affections and attention are better than nothing at all.
A Narcissist doesn’t like to throw away any sources of supply, so they will continue to play this game with you indefinitely. The more pain that the Narcissist can inflict upon their partner, the less respect they have for their victims and they devalue that source of supply. If a Narcissist does leave, it’s because they have found a new source, but they’ll often be back to throw you more crumbs and prolong your suffering.
The abrupt and heartless manner in which they leave their partners is bone chilling. When a Narcissist is in stage one, the over-evaluation phase, with his new target, they focus all their energy on securing that new source of supply. The fact that they have left you in emotional turmoil, a spiraling depression or perhaps even financial ruin, will have no impact on them. It’s all about them- it always was. These people are happiest when they have at least one or two individuals pining for them, who they can run to, at any time for sex, money or an ego stroke.
If at some point the victim decides to end the relationship, the Narcissist will experience what Freud calls a Narcissistic Injury. This is any slight, real or imagined, that threatens the Narcissist’s false belief, that they are special, superior and unique. The Narcissist may rage or grieve over your parting, but one must always remember, they are not grieving the loss of the person in their life, they are grieving the damage done to their ego, the lost source of supply, the efforts it took to secure that supply and the anxiety they will have to face to obtain more.
The grieving won’t last long though, since they do not take responsibility for anything, your leaving won’t resonate with them as, “I’ve done something to make them leave.” They will immediately start telling themselves – ‘They’re nuts, they thinks they can do better than me. I’m better off without them. They’re damaged anyway,’ as part of the devaluation process. And just like that you are discarded in the Narcissist’s mind, regardless of the amount of time, or the amount of suffering you may have endured.
When a normal relationship ends, both parties usually go their separate ways and move on. When you’re involved with a Narcissist the relationship ends abruptly, without notice, or it never ends. They like to keep a hold of you, they are control freaks and they will do that, by offering you the friend card. This friend card entitles them to unlimited supply of your attention, resources, affection, ego strokes, or sex, with no responsibility or commitment. It also stops you from being able to move on.
They almost always seem to have an innate sense of exactly when you might be getting over them and just like that, they waltz back into your life, as if nothing ever happened. The loving, caring person returns and you may be thinking, finally ________ (insert name), has realized my worth and things will be different this time. Don’t be fooled. The actor is back, just long enough to take control of you and your emotions again. If you engage for any reason, it won’t be long before the mask slips and the real McCoy is back to further torment you.
Once you have managed to get out – stay out. Stop all communication and burn every bridge behind you, thus souring the milk of your Narcissistic Supply. It’s better to covet a Narcissist’s indifference, than their toxic form of love.
Your involvement with a Narcissist has likely changed you in ways you could never have imagined. Make the decision to break free and stick with it, start to rebuild your shattered self image, regain your power and dignity and most importantly, learn the lesson that you were meant to learn from this encounter. But that’s another blog!!!!

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Worker Bee Wanna Be


The door is open for money making opportunities…

I have never known how to market myself. I suppose that you start by putting one foot in front of the other as in anything . Keep trying different things until you achieve success. I’m finding that with my lack of recent job history I am going to have to really work at making myself marketable.  I will be lucky if someone gives me a chance to prove myself!  
I had hopes of doing something different in my life but if I will be grateful for monetary compensation. My hope is to generate enough income to make a car payment, insurance and yearly registration on that new car. It would be great if I can do that with my skill set. Even if it means cleaning someone else’s toilet or diapering yet another bottom. So, it’s time to strap on my hard work ethic and worker bee mentality. Figure out how to get myself out there and going!

I woke up the other with this thought and I decided I had better listen…

“Quit chasing people and dreams that don’t chase you back!”

No matter what I end up doing, in my heart I’ll be wishing that I could do this instead to make my $$$’s…

The Struggle Is Real

  
*Something More Than Nothing written by Tyna J. Metzner
Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon described in 1973 in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

The struggle is real… Living with Domestic Violence is very much like this…⬆️ 

Overcoming the psychology of prolonged abuse is the hardest part of truly getting away… It follows you.

*Something More Than Nothing written by Tyna J. Metzner
 
Thanks for listening!  

Maybe one day I’ll be able go help make a difference in combatting this global plight…That would be a dream in itself! If I had money to throw at a cause this would surely be the one. This would be my mission! 

Take Off The Rose Colored Glasses


This was my view from a blanket spread out on the lawn. It was a gorgeous perfect temp day here in Phoenix yesterday.

My weekend was one of the most miserable in a long time. I find that I am having a really hard time justifying to myself why I stay in this state of being. Why do I allow myself to be so utterly disrespected? If I had had somewhere else to be, I really would have gladly gone. I hate like hell that I simply set myself up to have to endure this. Economic impoverishment keeps me stuck like glue. My spirit is wondering how I can proceed in tolerating my circumstance. Through the years I have had coping skills and mind speak to overcome the adversity and mitigate the damage to my core being. This weekend, I came up empty. I hate the whole power over thing…bullies suck! Whether physical or mental, struggling to keep a bully from permeating your spirit is a feat in itself. Exhausting!

It always boils down to money and the fact that I chose to take care of people rather than look out for my own financial well being! I wish somewhere along the way,I had made a career for myself. Mad scrambling to figure something out at 53 is daughnting! I’m so grateful that my daughters are wiser and able to make education and careers a priority. They have seen me set myself up in a hell of my own design, so to speak. Like being stuck in molasses…They will be self reliant and not make this mistake. Unfortunately, a bully with all the power will try to overtake you until nothing of you is left. If you let them! The struggle is real. What would it be like to have some of my own power back? To be able to stand up financially and know I’m capable?!  Priceless! Lofty 2016 goal. You see, it isn’t just me,  I have a 14 year old  daughter who is wonderful and deserving of all that this childhood has afforded her. By no means lavish but nice and stable because I made it so! In spite of my personal hell.

She had a sleepover with these wonderful girls. I like all of these kids, they are terrific! What a nice bunch of girls!


I spent a lot of my weekend thinking and trying to figure out myself since I have no control over anyone else!   I really understand where I stand and I’m not liking it!
Glad to see this holiday go. Reminds me of what my “reality” is.  Far far from the relationship I hoped for.
Maybe it’s time to rip off the band aid. Take off the rose colored glasses Tyna Joy! If I could figure out how to make enough money I could begin to think about change!